To All the Ladies on Valentines’ Day

Cupcaking with Gosling, don't mind if I do
Cupcaking with Gosling, don’t mind if I do

Happy Valentine’s Day! While some scoff and scour at the overblown Hallmark holiday, I embrace it. As a matter of fact, I’d go as far as to say that I actually look forward to it. Yes, I’m single. Yes, I’m living with my parents. Yes, the only thing I will be spooning later is cookies and cream ice cream, but you know what, it could be worse; it could be St. George Day. He’s the patron saint of soldiers and soldiers usually mean war… see where I am going with this? So, let’s all make love and not war today.

Hail to the V

You know what else, ladies, Valentine’s Day is often shortened to V-Day. You know why? Because vaginas are in control today. And to stay in control, here are 8 tips whether you are single or not:

  • You want something from your man, make it obvious. Men aren’t picking up on your dropped hints and they aren’t mind readers. I once hinted at wanting a claddagh ring and got two sports jerseys instead. I learned my lesson (so did he).
  • True Story
    True Story
  • Make your own romance and stop expecting it. Your man is not Ryan Gosling from The Notebook. Stop it, just stop. Light your own candles and lead the way.
  • OK, let's talk this out
    OK, let’s talk this out
  • Stop being jealous/envious of ladies in the office with flower deliveries today. Their men just saw a 1-800-Flowers commercial last night and placed a rush order. Flowers are nice and lovely, but it’s not like he just hot air ballooned in and proposed with Kate Middleton’s ring. And if you got flowers today (or are talking to someone who did), OMG they are sooo beautiful and you are sooo lucky!
  • If you’re single, go out and get your nails done, call up another girlfriend just as awesome as you are and get your single on tonight. I call this Palentine’s Day and you bitches deserve just as much attention as the attached girls.
  • Thanks Getty Images
    Thanks Getty Images
  • Buy a stranger a drink. Just do it. You’ll feel good and they will feel good and today sucks for some people. So, stop complaining about your “status” and do something nice for someone else.
  • Don’t stalk your ex. Involved or not, just don’t do this. Who cares what he’s doing today? Remember the awkward sex and scamming he did? Think about that and move on. You broke up for a reason.
  • Shave. This goes for men, too. Look hot today. For one it’s a Friday, time to get your weekend weird on. But tonight you may be getting some serious one-on-one time and chaffing and in-grown hairs are not sexy.
  • Valentine’s Day is about love. So call your mom, dad, sister, brother, best friend, long lost high school sweetheart or bring home a special treat for Fido. Just surround yourself with people who you love and love you in return and you’re good to go.

As I sign off for the day, I leave you with this. No one found love feeling sorry for himself or herself. One way to feel absolutely amazing is the scientifically proven orgasm. Orgasms release endorphins that give a natural high and a euphoric state of mind—and they burn calories! So whether you’re with someone special for a decade, spending the night with Mr. Right Now or having a quiet night at home (with The Notebook obviously), do yourself a favor, be your own Valentine and get off.

Aw, that's so sweet, Ryan
Aw, that’s so sweet, Ryan

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