First of all, I need to thank my friends and family for reading, supporting and giving me feedback on this severance project. I’m grateful and inspired to continue. Secondly, this blog is meant to be personal. I undoubtedly will throw myself under the bus a time or two, but I am prepared for that.
The amount in which people share online these days is monumental. I’ve seen pictures of babies I will never meet, bare-bellied pregnancy shots I can never un-see, and even though I didn’t go to your wedding/honeymoon, I was totally there. Allowing people, even strangers into your life is your decision and allowing my life to be open in this blog is mine. This is my house. If you don’t like my house, you can leave.
Onto the not scolding part of the story…
Today was super chill. I woke up at 10:30, watched The People’s Court and ate ramen noodles. Unemployment and college are basically the same thing. Anyway, it was nice to relax, especially on a rainy January day. I did get a couple of things done. I made an Excel sheet of all the stuff I want to get rid of, reached out to a buddy in Australia and literally Googled, “How do you move to a foreign country?” Google is amazing and knows all. I even started an Excel sheet on moving. Apparently, I love Excel.
In about an hour I have a phone interview with an agency in Austin, Texas. I’m really looking forward to this. I even showered and put on grown-up people clothes. I feel like when you interview, you really gotta go for it, even over different time zones. We will see what happens.
I am a bit nervous though. About another meeting later tonight. I’m having dinner with an ex. Not just any ex, he’s like THE ex. You know the one who really long-term fucks you up, and makes you second-guess every romantic decision you’ll ever make? Yes, that’s the one. Not to give him too much credit, but I’ll explain a bit.
Remember in “Day 1” when I said it was 2008, and I moved to the UWS? Well during that time I met a man, let’s call him “DJ.” I fell madly in love with DJ and together we traveled all over, celebrated holidays and birthdays, and he had so much sex, just not with me (I was unaware of most of it). In 2010, we decided to move in together. He decided to have a baby—with an illegal Brazilian immigrant (the green card theme in my life is really getting old).
Well, we didn’t get that apartment. Broke, alone, and emotionally destroyed, I ended up in Astoria with Rocks. But that is another story… Fast forward and somehow DJ and I have remained “friends.” He’s even lived in my apartment when I lived with N while he separated and filed for divorce from, let’s call her “home wrecker.” Yes, he married her (yea, dude, I fuckin’ know, right?!)
I didn’t have the ability to let him go I guess. Watching their life fall apart somehow validated the hurt and pain I experienced—that they made me feel. And part of this journey, The Severance Project, is letting go of the things that have kept me down and have not let me move on. I’m not ashamed of my relationship with DJ. But I am healed and I am over what happened and leaving NYC means leaving all the bad feelings and all the bad decisions behind. When I see him tonight, my goal isn’t to hurt him or have a superiority moment, although, the truth is, this freedom is something a man with an ex-wife and a 2-year-old just can’t have.
My goal is to have a nice meal with a man I have known, through thick and thin for most my time on this island. It’s to say goodbye, send well wishes and move on from someone I have kept myself tethered to for far too long. Emotional baggage is the heaviest kind, and although it’s not listed on my Excel sheet, I can’t wait to get rid of it.